Excerpt-2

  YearsagineandIbothworkedasinterviewers;forawhileweevenworkedtogether.Irememberoernoonwhenshespentawholehouraskingmeallaboutfacialtissues,andafterwardIquizzedheronplasticsuitcases.Unfortuheagencydidawaywiththelonginterviewsandreplacedthemwithstreetpolls.Wewereexpectedtostandoutsideschools,departmentstores,andgoveroffidsurveypeopleabouttaxpolidTVguides.herofuswaodothat,andsowewentourseparateways.

  Areythesedays?Iask.

  Imtakingacoursetobeadeathpanion,saysRegine.

  Oh,Isay,uosuppressalaugh.

  Itsaseriousmatter,saysRegine.

  Idliketoaskherwhattheyteasuchacourse,butdontdare.

  Isitgoingwell?Iaskinstead.

  Retlytheywaoseforthefirsttimetoapanyawomanwhowasy-oneyearsold,butshesentmeawayafterhalfanhour.

  hlaugh,avoidingeachotherseyes.

  Sheprobablythoughtyouweredeathinpersoakeheraway,Isay.

  Ididhatway.

  Afterall,someonewhosdyiseverybodywhosgoingonliving,Isay.

  Youtalk,saysRegine,asifyoudalreadydiedonce.

  OfcourseIhave,manytimes,haventyou?

  Welaugh,andIdontkninefullyuandsmylastremark.Sheholdsoutherhandandsaysgoodbye.

  Givemeacall,shesaysinparting.

  Idontneedadeathpanion,Iwanttocalloutafterher,butatthelastmomentIholdmytongue.

  AlittlelateritoccurstomethatRegineandIactuallydiedoogether.FirstIhadinterviewedheraboutvacationsandlongdistaravel,theerviewedmeaboutedfoodandready-madedinners.Afterthatwewerepletelyexhaustedandlaydownonhercarpet.Wedrankhalfabottleofwineandgoofedarounduntiloureyelidsstartedtodroop.okeupweundressedaogether.Thenastrahinghappened.Reginewaslyiome,studyingherorso.Shedturnedquietandsad,butittookmeawhiletocat.Sheaskedmetolookatherbreasts.ThatsallIvebeendoingthewholetime,iswhatIthinkIreplied.Wellevidentlyyouwerentpayingenoughattention,shesaid.Whatareyougettingat?Iasked.Didntyounoticethatmynipplesarentdoingwhattheyresupposedtineroudlongnipples.Duriiterludestheywouldgrowerect,whichshealwayssideredtobeasigality.Nowtheywerebenttothesideorfoldedoverorpressedintoherareolas.Ihadnoticedthegebutdidntthinkitmeantanything.OnlygraduallydiditdawReginehysicallydistressed.Iwentsofarastosaysheshouldnttakehernipplessoseriously.Andatthatpointwefirstfellsilentandtheogetherasacouple.

  InsidemyapartmentIopenthewindows,liedownonthefloorandswittheTV.Icatchafilmaboutblue-footedboobiesintheGalapagosIslands.Thesearelarge,white-featheredbirdswithbluefeet.Theyresemblegeeseandmoveinasimilarlyclumsymanner.OntheGalapagosIslandstheyfindidealbreedinggrounds,saysthespeaker.Thebirdsontheground,thesurroundingwaterisandrifish.Thebirdsarecalledboobiesbecauseofhowtheyhavetomovetheirluxuriousbodiesduringthelongrun-uprequiredfortakeoff.Theblue-footedboobiesappealtome;atthemomentIdliketobeonemyself.Iwouldntmindbeingcalledaboobyoher,sinceasablue-footedboobyIdfinallyhavenothingmoretodowithwordsandtheirmeanings.Orperhapstheanimalsamazingwhitebodiesmakemethinkotslittlewhitebody.Itcouldalsobethatrunningintioblameformysuddendesireforawoman.IturnofftheTV.Abuttonpopsoffmyshirtandrollsawaysonthefloor.Iwatchituntilitflipsoverandstopsmoving.ThroughthewallsIhearthechildrenintheapartmedoorcallingeachotherassholeanddumbjerk.TheymustbemoreorlesslikethechildrenthatmadeLisasick.IdliketocallLisaandaskherhowshesdoing,butIwouldntlikeforReopickupandformetohavetotalkwithher.Idontmove,listeningtoasshole,assholeshouteddoor.AmongthenewshoesHabedankgavemeisapairofbarelyaffordablehaedloafersmadeofgenuinekidskin.Theyfeelfantastic.Itsalittleafter3p.m.PresumablyMargotdoesnthaveanyersnowaingabowlofsoupinthemiddlesink.Thecatwillbecurledupsleepinginthesinko.Ileavetheapartmentaots.Shellprobablybesurprisedtoseemeagainsosoon.Ifolloanesewomanwhoseatingapeachasshewalks.Thepeachissmall,itfitstheJapanesewomanshands,whicharealsosmall,anditfitshermouth,whichissosmallthatithardlyevenstrikesyouasamouth.Afterashortwhilethepeachiseatenup;theJapanesewomanisholdiinhersmallhands.Orisitcalledastone?IfImnotmistakenwhenIwaslittleIusedtocallitastothenIstartedcallingitapitmoreandmoreoften.Orwasittheotherwayaround?WhydidIgefromstoopit,whenfromtodaysperspectivetherewasabsolutelyodothat?TheJapanesewomansherpeachpitinatissue.Ihavetotur,butbecauseIwanttoseewhattheJapanesewomanwilldowiththepeachpit(stone),IactalittlelikeImjustloafingandlookingaround.Owondrousaweforthatwhichisfn!TheJapaneseladydoesnthavethecetosimplytossthepeachpit(stoothestreetorintosomegardeasheswhatsleftiinypurse,whichcouldjustaswellbecalledapeachpitpursette.Imonlyafewstepsawayfrots.Ithidemyexcitement—asilenttwitmykneesgivesitaway.Inthedisplaywindowotssalon,allthreeubesarelit.IseethedooropenandoutstepsHimmelsbach.Thatwasntsupposedtohappen.Himmelsbachwalksofftht,sohedoesntnoticeme.InonefellswoopitsclearItgoseeMargotnow,too.Iprobablywonteverbeabletoagain.IttellwhetherHimmelsbachhadhishaircutornot.QuietlyandfruitlesslyIrailagainstthefurtivenessoflife.OneerlateritoccurstomethatwithoutthisfurtivenessIwouldhavebeendeadalongtimeago.Thistradileadsmetoamomentaryinsightintothestuffofmyinsanity.Ifyougocrazysomeday,Ithink,itwillmeanthatyouvefinallybeencutbythesestantlyopeningandclosingshears.Himmelsbachiswearingadarkslouchhatwithawidebrim.Playiiste—whatridiculousaffectation!UnfortunatelyIgetjealhthereoreet.AtthesametimeIfeelsorryforHimmelsbach.Helooksmoredownandoutthadays.ForawhileIfollowhimaimlessly.Maybehellofftakehishat,thenIdknowforcertain.Undernocircumstancesisheallowedtoseeme.AndIhavenodesiretotalkwithhimeither.ItlethimseethatImbroodingoverhimandMargot.Thebestthingwouldbeifhesatdownsomewhere,tookoffhishat,andmulledaatedforabit.ButHimmelsbachdoesamull:thosearemyhabits,nothis.Hispantslookasifhedborrowedthem.Himmelsbachreachesintohisjacketpocketandtakesoutafewsunflowerseeds.Hebreaksthemonebyohhisincisors,usinghisfingernailstoextractthewhitekernels.Regrettably,IaskmyselfifMargotisawomanwhoaugmentsherihoccasionalprostitution.Buttotellthetruth,Idontwanttothinkaboutproblemsatall.Ivealreadydotooofteninmylife,Ifeeltoooldforitnow.Ilookforsomedistra.Idliketoatleastwanderaroundtheembaandlookupattheoccasionaltreeandobservethelightamongtheleaves.Buttheembaisntreadilyavailable,soIhavetotentmyselfwithordinaryneighborhoodstreets.UndernocircumstancesmayIletthihepoiheonlytimeIfindmylifebearableiswhenImwanderingaround.FromthewayHimmelsbachiswalking,Ittellwhetherhesjustsleptwithsomeoneornot.ForthetimebeingItrytosplitmyselfintotwopeople,intoasoberramblerwhoslostbothhisworkandhiswomanonthesameday,andanactivedreamerwhodoesntwanttohearanythingaboutthat.Thesplitsucceeds,atleastforawhile.AlreadyImstruckbythestrongsmellofthelindenblossomsthatmustbearoundheresomewhere.Shortlyafterthatacockeyeddogesupbetweentwoparkedcars.Ididntknowthatcockeyedanimalseveed.Thedogtrotsuptome;IorelookhimihanIcouldacockeyedhuman.Imverygratefultohimforthedistrahesprovidingme.Imalsogratefultoaschoolteacher,forthesamereasoandingatastreetcarstopwithadozenchildren.Suddenlytheteachersaystoherpupils:Donttakeupsomu,lineupmoreeically!Thatremarkimmediatelypredisposesmeagainsttheteacher.ImaoworkupaninnerindignationsuchasIhaventhadinalongtime.Lineupmoreeically,Imumbletomyself,wordslikethatarethefoundationofmisery.Theteacheristreatingthechildrenlikeumbrellasorfoldingchairsthatbestowedhereorstashedthereasneeded.Isitanywohatpeoplerefusetosenttolifefromchildhoodohesplitinmysciousartstowearoff.TheexperiencesIhavedisownedebackbitbybit.Nowmyramblingaboutisnomorethanabizarreplayofmelancholyandnumbrigidity.IadmititwouldbepainfulifIcouldntseeMargotagain.Icurseher,butthatdoesnthelp.DearMargot,didyouhavetohurtmewithHimmelsbachofallpeople?IrememberasayingIusedtothinkwhenIwassixteenyearsoldaboutnurses,secretariesandhairdressers:Dumbgirlsfuckgood.Ididnteupwithit,Iwasonlyparrotingit,atthattimeIhadnoideaaboutnurses,secretaries,hairdressersoranyotherwomen.Itrytofoistthememoryofthissayingontomysplitdoppelg?nger,unfortunatelywithoutsuccess.Thesayingonlycausesmetogroan;nooneelseknows.WhatIdlikemostofallistoghttotandtellherwhatanindescribablesimpletonIwaswhenIwassixteen.AndnowIvelostsightofHimmelsbathewholemess.Iaskmyselfwhetherthemoodsthatpassthroughmearepartofmylifeornot.ImsodazedahatIrunintoaparkedcarwithmyrightknee.Imputoffbytwochildrenwhoypathsayingchosteadofchocolate.Couldthisbethebeginningofinsanity?Allthesame,Idontwanttoplainoradmonish.plainingandadmonishihefavoriteoccupationsofy-fiveperanity,andmyceitwantsnothingtodowiththem.Ionlywanttogivebriefexpressiontomydailydamnationandthengoonliving.No,itsnotthedamnation;itsthedayspeculiarityIwanttogetridof.JusthowisitpossiblethatImlongingforahairdresserIvemetatmostahalfdozentimesandwhomIhardlyknowbeyondherfirsthatImjealousofaphotographerwhoshalfontheskids,andthatImmforajobthatdidntkeepmefedanyway,andallthatonasingleday?ItseemstomeItgohomeuheinfluehispeculiarity.Isitdownonawoodenbendstareatthenearbybrambles,whichIadmirebecausetheyveynothingexcepttheirownenduring.Idliketobelikethesebrambles.Theyrethereeveryday,theyresistbynotdisappearing,theydontplain,doheydontneedanything,theyrepracticallyinvincible.Ifeelayearningtotakeoffmyjacketandtossitinahighartothebrambles.PerhapsthatwayImightectwithsomepartoftheirenduringstrength.Eventhewordbramblesimpressesme.Maybethatisthewordforthecollectivepeculiarityofalllife,thewordIvebeenseargforallthistime.Thebramblesexpressmypainwithoutputtinganystrainonme.Ilookatthedustytaheirleaves,fleckedwithbirddroppingsthatareeitherrunningdownorhavealreadyhardened,Ilookatthemanybrahathavebeenkornoffbychildrenbutpersevereundisced,andatthenerve-raglitterthatcollectsarousbutstilldoesntdiminishtheshrub.Whenthedailypeculiaritystartstogetthebetterofme,Illehereandtossmyjacketintothebrambles.Idliketoseethejacketlyingamongthebranchesasasign.Apletelyclearimageandstillnoonewillreizeit.IllstrollpastmyjacketwheneverIwantandbeabletomarvelathowitremainsasinvincibleasthebrambles,despitethefactthatitgrowsolderandlesshandsomewitheverynewpainitabsorbs.AndIwilladmirethejacketasmysurvivingdoppelg?ngerandsofreemyselffrompain,atleastforthetimebeing.ItfullyruleoutthepossibilitythatImightbegoingcrazyatthismoment.WhatsclearinanycaseisthatifIeverreallythrowmyjacketintothebramblesIwillhavegonecrazyforsure.Ihaventreachedthatpoi.Ienjoyimaginingaplay-crazinessdesigohelpmeliveuurbed.Nowahepretendcrazinessshouldpassoverintoagenuineone—justforafewmoments—andamplifymydistanreality.NaturallyIdhavetobeabletoreturntothegameatanytime,assoonasthegenuinecraziopped.Presumablythiswillprovethatpeoplelybehappyiftheychoosebetweeendcrazinessandgenuinecrazinesswheheywant.InanycaseIvefrequentlyobservedthatpeoplearenaturallypredisposedtomentalillness.Imsurprisedsofewpeopleadmitthattheirnormalcyismerelyfeighefamilywalkingpastmerightnowiscollectivelycrazy.Ahusband,wife,andgrandmaaremakingfunofachild.Thechildisstillababy;hessittinginhiscarriageandtdoathiholdhisheadup,tgrabthings,treallyopenhismht,tswallow.Everytimethechildtdosomething(rightnowhesdrooling),thehusband,wiferandmasquealswithpleasure.Theydontrealizethatthedelighttheytakeinthechildisreallymogandcrude,thoughiftheylookedtheymightseethatthechildsfleetinggazeisseargforafarawayrefuge.Strangely,myobservationofthefamilyletsmefindmywaybacktoreality.Onlythechildsinksdeeperintohiscarriage,onemillimeteratatime.Iyjacketandheadhome.Thecrazyfamilywalksaway,giggling.

  Myapartmentissittingtherequietandclueless.Idontfeelmiserablewheerthekit.Thetelephs,Iwontpickup.Itakeoffmyjacketandcutasliceofbread.Iverymuchlikethewaythebreadtastes.Itakeoffmyglassesandrubmyeyes.JustasImabouttoputthembayglassesslipoutofmyhandontothestoileofthefloor.Theedgeoftheleftlensischipped.Iputonmyglassesandlookatmyselfinthemirror.ItsinstantlyclearthatIwoinganynewglasses,andthatthelittlechipwillbeeasign.Igotothetelephoneandpickupafterall.ItsSusanne.

  Ifouerfromyou,sheexclaims,thatyouwrotemeeighteenyearsaghteenyearsago?Iasktonelessly.

  Yes,shesays,eighteenyearsagoinAugustthisishowyouaddressedme:DearestSusanne…

  Butwewerentinvolvedeighteenyearsago,werewe?

  No,saysSusaleastnothinghappened.

  Sowhatdoesthelettersay?Isitembarrassing?

  No,saysSusanne,loveisembarrassingforyou,butnotforme.

  Heranswerperplexesme;Isaynothing.

  ShallIreadittoyou?

  No,Isay,itsenoughformetoreaditlater.

  Youllsoonhaveacetodothat,saysSusanne,becauseIwanttoioalittledinnerpartyImhavingforafewfriendsandcolleagues.

  DoIknowthemtoo?

  Owoofthem,saysSusanne,forexampleHimmelsbach.

  OhGod,Isay,thatoldstuffedshirt.

  Youtcallhimthat,saysSusanne,laughing.SomeoneIusedtoillbethere,too.Shesnowasalesmanagerforanupscaleretirementhome,thatmustbeadreadfuljob.

  Susaswhoelseising.AsIlistentoherIsinkintoakindofinternalnumbness.IwonderwhetherIwaswithSusaeenyearsagoorifIonlywroteherletters.Itremember.

  Doyoupreferredwineorwhite?AsksSusanne.

  Red,Isay.

  Susasthetimeanddateofthedinnerseveraltimes.Iwritethembothdownontheedgeofaneer.ImsurethatIdontwanttoreadtheletterIwrotehereighteenyearsago.NowSusaalkingaboutwhatshesgoingtocook.IlistentoherandybreadwithoutmakinganyhetasteoftheryesoftensthepeculiarityofthefactthatIwillsoonbesharingatablewithHimmelsbach.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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