Waiting Between the Trees

  Ying-YingSt.Clair

  Mydaughterhasputmeiiofroomsinhernewhouse.

  "Thisistheguestbedroom,"LenasaidinherproudAmeriway.

  Ismiled.Buttoesewaysofthinking,theguestbedroomisthebestbedroom,wheresheandherhusbandsleep.Idonottellherthis.Herwisdomislikeabottomlesspond.Youthrowstonesinandtheysinkintothedarknessanddissolve.Hereyeslookingbaotrefleything.

  IthinkthistomyselfeventhoughIlovemydaughter.SheandIhavesharedthesamebody.Thereisapartofhermindthatispartofmiwhenshewasborn,shesprangfrommelikeaslipperyfish,andhasbeenswimmingawayeversince.Allherlife,Ihavewatchedherasthoughfromanothershore.AndnowImusttellhereverythingaboutmypast.Itistheonlyeeherskinandpullhertowhereshebesaved.

  Thisroomhasceilingsthatslopedownwardtowardthepillowofmybed.Itswallscloseinlikeacoffin.Ishouldremindmydaughternottoputanybabiesinthisroom.ButIknowshewillnotlisten.Shehasalreadysaidshedoesnotwantanybabies.Sheandherhusbaoobusydrawingplacesthatsomeoneelsewillbuildandsomeoneelsewilllivein.IotsaytheAmeriwordthatsheandherhusbaisanuglyword.

  "Arty-tecky,"Ioncepronouomysister-in-law.

  Mydaughterhadlaughedwhensheheardthis.Whenshewasachild,Ishouldhaveslappedhermoreoftenfordisrespect.Butnowitistoolate.Nowsheandherhusbandgivememooaddtomyso-sosecurity.SotheburningfeelingIhaveinmyhandsometimes,Imustpullitbatomyheartainside.

  Whatgooddoesitdotodrawfancybuildingsandthenliveiisuseless?Mydaughterhasmoney,buteverythinginherhouseisforlooking,notevenfood-looking.Lookatthisendtable.Itisheavywhitemarbleonskinnyblacklegs.Apersonmustalwaysthinknottoputaheavybagonthistableoritwillbreak.Theonlythingthatsitoableisatallblackvase.Thevaseislikeaspiderleg,sothinonlyonefloutin.Ifyoushakethetable,thevaseandflowerwillfalldown.

  AllaroundthishouseIseethesigns.Mydaughterlooksbutdoeshisisahousethatwillbreakintopieces.HowdoIknow?Ihavealwaysknownathingbeforeithappens.

  WhenIwasayounggirlinWushi,Iwaslihai.Wildandstubborn.Iworeasmirkonmyface.Toogoodtolisten.Iwassmallay.Ihadtiwhichmademeveryvain.Ifapairofsilkslippersbecamedusty,Ithrewthemaway.Iworecostlyimportedcalfskihlittleheels.Ibrokemanypairsandruinedmanystogsrunningacrossthecobblestonecourtyard.

  Ioftenunraveledmyhairandworeitloose.Mymotherwouldlookatmywildtanglesandse:"Aii-ya,Ying-ying,youareliketheladyghostsatthebottomofthelake."

  Theseweretheladieswhodrowheirshameandfloatedinlivingpeopleshouseswiththeirhairuoshowtheireverlastingdespair.MymothersaidIwouldbringshameintothehouse,butIonlygiggledasshetriedtotuckmyhairupwithlongpins.Shelovedmetoomuchtogetangry.Iwaslikeher.ThatwaswhyshenamedmeYing-ying,ClearRefle.

  WewereoherichestfamiliesinWushi.Wehadmanyrooms,eachfilledwithbig,heavytables.Oablewasajadejarsealedairtightwithajadelid.EachjarheldunfilteredBritishcigarettes,alwaystherightamount.Nottoomuottoolittle.Thejarsweremadejustforthesecigarettes.Ithoughtnothingofthesejars.Theywerejunkinmymind.OncemybrothersandIstoleajarandpouredthecigarettesoutontothestreets.Werandownteholethathadopenedupireet,whereunderhwaterflowed.Therewesquattedalongwiththechildrenwholivedbythegutter.Wescoopedupcupsofdirtywater,hopingtofindafishorunknowntreasure.Wefoundnothing,andsoonourclotheswerewashedoverwithmudandwewereunreizablefromthechildrenwholivedoreets.

  Wehadmanyrichesinthathouse.Silkrugsandjewels.Rarebowlsandcarvedivory.ButwhenIthinkbathathouse,anditisnotoften,Ithinkofthatjadejar,themuddiedtreasureIdidnotknowIwasholdinginmyhand.

  ThereisahingIrememberclearlyaboutthathouse.

  Iwassixteen.Itwasthenightmyyouauntgotmarried.Sheandhernewhusbandhadalreadyretiredtotheroomtheywouldshareinthebighousewithherher-in-lawaofhernewfamily.

  Manyofthevisitingfamilymembersliourhouse,sittingarouableinthemainroom,everybodylaughingais,peelinges,andlaughingmore.Amanfromaownwasseatedwithus,afriendofmyauntsnewhusband.Hewasolderthanmyoldestbrother,soIcalledhimUncle.Hisfacewasreddenedfromdrinkingwhiskey.

  "Ying-ying,"hecalledhoarselytomeasherosefromhischair."Maybeyouarestillhungry,isntitso?"

  Ilookedarouable,smilingateveryonebecauseofthisspecialattentioome.Ithoughthewouldpullaspecialtreatfromalargesackhewasreaginto.Ihopedforsomesweetenedcookies.Buthepulledoutawatermelonandputitoablewithaloudpung.

  "Kaigwa?"—Opeermelon—hesaid,poisingalargeknifeovertheperfectfruit.

  ThenhesanktheknifeinwithamightypushandhishugemouthroaredalaughsobigIcouldseeallthewaybacktohisgoldteeth.Everyohetablelaughedloudly.Myfaceburnedfromembarrassment,becauseatthattimeIdidnotuand.

  Yes,itistrueIwasawildgirl,butIwasi.Ididnotknowwhatahinghedidwheopenthatwatermelon.IdidnotuanduntilsixmonthslaterwhenIwasmarriedtothismanandhehisseddruomethathewasreadytokaigwa.

  ThiswasamansobadthateventodayIotspeakhisname.WhydidImarrythisman?Itwasbecausethenightaftermyyouauntswedding,Ibegantoknowathingbeforeithappened.

  Mostoftherelativeshadleftthem.Andbytheevening,myhalf-sistersandIwerebored.Weweresittingatthesamelargetable,drinkingteaaingroastedwatermelonseeds.Myhalf-sistersgossipedloudly,whileIsatcragseedsandlayingtheirfleshinapile.

  Myhalf-sisterswerealldreamingofbeingmarriedtoworthlessyoungboysfromfamiliesnotasgoodasours.Myhalf-sistersdidnotknowhowtoreachveryhighfoodthing.Theywerethedaughtersofmyfatherses.Iwasthedaughterofmyfatherswife.

  "Hismotherwilltreatyoulikeaservant…"chidedonehalf-sisteruponheariherschoice.

  "Amadnessonhisunclesside…"retortedtheotherhalf-sister.

  Wheiredofteasiher,theyaskedmewhomIwaomarry.

  "Iknowofnoone,"Itoldthemhaughtily.

  Itwasnotthatboysdidnotime.Iknewhowtoattractattentionandbeadmired.ButIwastoovaintothinkanyoneboywasgoodenoughforme.

  Thosewerethethoughtsinmyhead.Butthoughtsareoftwokinds.Someareseedsthatareplantedwhenyouareborn,placedtherebyyourfatherandmotherandtheiraorsbeforethem.Andsomethoughtsareplantedbyothers.MaybeitwasthewatermelonseedsIwaseating:Ithoughtofthatlaughingmanfromthenightbefore.Andjustthen,alargewindblewinfromthenorthandthefloweroablesplitfromitsstemamyfeet.

  Thisisthetruth.Itwasasifaknifehadcuttheflowersheadoffasasign.Rightthen,IknewIwouldmarrythisman.ItwasnotwithjoythatIthoughtthis,butwondermentthatIcouldknowit.

  Andsooohearthismaionedbymyfatherandundauntsnewhusband.Atdinnerhisnameooomybowlalongwithmysoup.Ifoundhimstaringatmeacrossfrommyunclescourtyard,hu-huing,"See,sheotturnaway.Sheisalreadymine."

  Trueenough,Ididnotturnaway.Ifoughthiseyeswithmine.Ilisteohimwithmynoseheldhigh,sniffiinkofhiswordswheoldmemyfatherwouldnotlikelygivethedowryherequired.IpushedsohardtokeephimfrommythoughtsthatIfellintebedwithhim.

  MydaughterdoesnotknowthatIwasmarriedtothismansolongago,twentyyearsbeforeshewasevenborn.

  ShedoesnotknowhowbeautifulIwaswhenImarriedthisman.Iwasfarmoreprettythanmydaughter,whohastryfeetandalargenoselikeherfathers.

  Eventoday,myskinisstillsmooth,myfigurelikeagirls.ButtherearedeeplinesinmymouthwhereIusedtowearsmiles.Andmypoorfeet,onallay!Nowtheyareswollen,callused,andcrackedattheheels.Myeyes,shtandflashyatsixteen,arenowyellow-stained,clouded.

  ButIstillseealmosteverythingclearly.WhenIwanttoremember,itislikelookingintoabowlandfindigrainsofriceyoudidnotfinish.

  TherewasanafternoononTaiLakesoohismanandImarried.IrememberthisiswhenIcametolovehim.Thismanhadturnedmyfacetowardthelate-afternoonsun.Heheldmyandstrokedmycheekandsaid,"Ying-ying,youhavetigereyes.Theygatherfireintheday.Atnighttheyshinegolden."

  Ididnotlaugh,eventhoughthisoemhesaidverybadly.Icriedwithhojoy.Ihadaswimmingfeelingilikeacreaturethrashingtogetoutandwantingtostayinatthesametime.ThatishowmuchIcametolovethisman.Thisishowitisersonjoinsyourbodyandthereisapartofyourmindthatswimstojointhatpersonagainstyourwill.

  Ibecameastraomyself.Irettyforhim.IfIputslipperso,itwastochooseapairthatIknewwouldpleasehim.Ibrushedmyhairy-imesanighttluaritalbed,inhopesofceivingason.

  Thenightheplahebaby,Iagaihingbeforeithappened.Ikwasaboy.Icouldseethislittleboyinmywomb.Hehadmyhusbandseyes,largeandart.Hehadlongtaperedfingers,fatearlobes,andslickhairthatrosehightorevealalargeforehead.

  ItisbecauseIhadsomuchjoythenthatIcametohavesomuchhate.ButevenwhenIwasmyhappiest,Ihadaworrythatstartedrightabovemybrow,whereyouknowathing.Thisworrylatertrickleddowntomyheart,whereyoufeelathinganditbeestrue.

  Myhusbandstartedtotakemanybusiripstothenorth.Thesetripsbegansoonafterwemarried,buttheybecameloerthebabyutinmywomb.Irememberedthatthenorthwindhadblownludmyhusbandmyway,soatnightwhenhewasaway,Iopenedwidemybedroomwindows,evenonights,toblowhisspiritabackmyway.

  WhatIdidnotknowisthatthenorthwindisthecoldest.Itpeestheheartandtakesthewarmthaway.Thewindgatheredsuchaforcethatitblewmyhusbandpastmybedroomandoutthebackdoor.Ifoundoutfrommyyouauntthathehadleftmetoliveerasinger.

  Laterstill,whenIovercamemygriefandcametohavenothingibutloathingdespair,myyouaunttoldmeofothers.DancersandAmeriladies.Prostitutes.AgirlcousinyouhanIwas.SheleftmysteriouslyfKongsoonaftermyhusbanddisappeared.

  SoIwilltellLenaofmyshame.ThatIwasridpretty.Iwastoogoodforanyoneman.ThatIbecameabandonedgoods.Iwilltellherthatateighteetinessdrainedfrommycheeks.ThatIthoughtofthrowingmyselfinthelakeliketheotherladiesofshame.AndIwilltellherofthebabyIkilledbecauseIcametohatethismansomuch.

  Itookthisbabyfrommywombbeforeitcouldbeborn.Thiswasnotabadthingtodoinabackthen,tokillababybeforeitisborn.Butevehoughtitwasbad,becausemybodyflowedwithterriblerevehejuicesofthismansfirstbornsonpouredfromme.

  Whenthenursesaskedwhattheyshoulddowiththelifelessbaby,Ihurledaneeratthemandsaidtoitlikeafishandthrowitinthelake.MydaughterthinksIdonotknowwhatitmeanstonotwantababy.

  Whenmydaughterlooksatme,sheseesasmalloldlady.Thatisbecausesheseesonlywithheroutsideeyes.Shehasnochuming,noinsideknowingofthings.Ifshehadchuming,shewouldseeatigerlady.Andshewouldhavecarefulfear.

  IwasbornintheyearoftheTiger.Itwasaverybadyeartobeborn,averygoodyeartobeaTiger.Thatwastheyearaverybadspiriteheworld.Peopleinthetrysidediedlikechisonahotsummerday.Peopleiybecameshadows,wentintotheirhomesanddisappeared.Babieswerebornanddidter.Thefleshfellofftheirbonesindaysandtheydied.

  Thebadspiritstayedintheworldforfouryears.ButIcamefromaspiritevenstronger,andIlived.ThisiswhatmymothertoldmewhenIwasoldenoughtoknoassoheartstronginmyways.

  Theoldmewhyatigerisgoldandblack.Ithastwoways.Thegoldsideleapswithitsfierceheart.Theblacksidestandsstillwithing,hidingitsgoldbetweentrees,seeingandnotbeingseen,waitingpatientlyforthingstoe.Ididousemyblacksideuntilafterthebadmame.

  Ibecameliketheladiesofthelake.IthrewwhiteclothesoverthemirrorsinmybedroomsoIdidnothavetoseemygrief.Ilostmystrength,soIcouldnotevenliftmyhandstoplasinmyhair.AndthenIfloatedlikeadeadleafoeruntilIdriftedoutofmymother-in-lawshouseandbayfamilyhome.

  IwenttothetryoutsideofShanghaitolivewithasedcousinsfamily.Istayedinthistryhomefortenyears.IfyouaskmewhatIdidduringtheselongyears,IlysayIwaitedbetweerees.Ihadoneeyeasleep,theotheropenandwatg.

  Ididnotwork.MycousinsfamilytreatedmewellbecauseIwasthedaughterofthefamilywhosupportedthem.Thehousewasshabby,crowdedwiththreefamilies.Itwasnotaforttobethere,andthatiswhatIwanted.Babiescrawledonthefloorwiththemice.Chiscameinandoutlikemyrelativesgracelesspeasas.Weallateiamidstthehgrease.Andtheflies!Ifyouleftabowlwithevenafewgrainsofrice,youwouldfinditcoveredwithhungryfliessothickitlookedlikealivingbowlofblackbeansoup.Thisishowpoorthetrywas.

  Aftertenyears,Iwasready.Iwasnolirlbutastrangewoman.Astill-marriedwomanwithnohusband.Iwenttothecitywithbotheyesopen.Itwasasifthebowlofblackflieshadbeenpouredoutontothestreets.Everywheretherewerepeoplemoving,unknownmenpushingagainstunknownwomenandnooneg.

  Withthemoneyfrommyfamily,Iboughtfreshclothes,modernstraightsuits.Iylonghairinthemahatwasstylish,likeayoungboy.IwassotiredofdoingnothingforsomanyyearsIdecidedtowork.Ibecameashopgirl.

  Ididolearntoflatterwomen.Ikhewordstheywaohear.Atigermakeasoftprrrn-prrnnoisedeepwithinitschestandmakeevenrabbitsfeelsafeandtent.

  EventhoughIwasagrownwoman,Ibecameprettyagain.Thiswasagift.Iworeclothesfarbetterandmoreexpehanwhatwassoldiore.Andthismadewomenbuythecheapclothes,becausetheythoughttheycouldlookasprettyasI.

  Itwasatthisshop,wlikeapeasant,thatImetCliffordSt.Clair.Hewasalarge,paleAmerimanwhoboughtthestorescheap-styleclothesahemoverseas.ItwashismademeknowIwouldmarryhim.

  "MistahSaintClair,"hesaidinEnglishwheroducedhimselftome.

  Andthenheaddedinhisthick,flatese,"Liketheangeloflight."

  Iherlikedhimnordislikedhim.Ithoughthimherattractivenorunattractive.ButthisIknew.Ikhesignthattheblacksideofmewouldsoongoaway.

  Saintcourtedmeforfouryearsinhisstrangeway.EventhoughIwasnottheowheshop,healwaysgreetedme,shakinghands,holdioolong.Fromhispalmswateraloured,evenafterwemarried.Hewasandpleasant.Buthesmelledlikeafner,alamb-smellstinkthateverbewashedaway.

  Iwasnotunkind.Buthewaskechi,toopolite.Heboughtmecheapgifts:aglassfigurine,apricklybroochofcutglass,asilver-coloredcigarettelighter.Saintactedasifthesegiftswerenothing,asifhewerearitreatingapoortrygirltothingswehadneverseenina.

  ButIsawhislookashewatchedmeopentheboxes.Anxiousandeagertoplease.Hedidnotknowthatsuchthingswerenothingtome,thatIwasraisedwithricheshecouldnotevenimagine.

  Ialtedthesegiftsgraciously,alrotestingjustenough,nottoolittle,nottoomuch.Ididnotencehim.ButbecauseIkhismanwouldsomedaybemyhusband,Iputtheseworthlesstriscarefullyintoabox,ingeachwithtissue.Ikhatsomedayhewouldasktoseethemagain.

  LenathinksSaintsavedmefromthepoortryvillagethatIsaidIwasfrom.Sheisright.Sheiswrong.MydaughterdoesnotknowthatSainthadtoatientlyforfouryearslikeadoginfrontofabutchershop.

  HowisitthatIfinallycameoutahimmarryme?IwaswaitingforthesignIknewwoulde.Ihadtowaituntil1946.

  AlettercamefromTientsin,notfrommyfamily,whothoughtIwasdead.Itwasfrommyyouaunt.EvenbeforeIopeheletterIknew.Myhusbandwasdead.Hehadlongsihisoperasinger.Hewaswithsomeworthlessgirl,ayoungservant.Butshehadastrongspiritandwasreckless,moresothanevenhe.Wheriedtoleaveher,shehadalreadysharpenedherlokitknife.

  Ithoughtthismanhadlongagodrainedeverythingfrommyheart.ButnowsomethingstrongandbitterflowedandmademefeelanotheremptinessinaplaceIdidntknowwasthere.Icursedthismanaloudsohecouldhear.Youhaddogeyes.Youjumpedandfollowedwhoevercalledyou.Nowyouchaseyourowntail.

  SoIdecided.IdecidedtoletSaintmarryme.Soeasyforme.Iwasthedaughterofmyfatherswife.Ispokeinatremblyvoice.Ibecamepale,ill,andmorethimyselfbeeawoundedanimal.Iletthehunteretomeandturoatigerghost.Iwillinglygaveupmychi,thespiritthatcausedmesomuchpain.

  NowIwasatigerthatherpounorlaywaitiweerees.Ibecameanunseenspirit.

  SainttookmetoAmerica,whereIlivedinhousessmallerthantheohetry.IworelargeAmericlothes.Ididservantstasks.IlearheWesternways.Itriedtospeakwithathigue.Iraisedadaughter,watgherfromanothershore.IacceptedherAmeriways.

  Withallthesethings,Ididnotcare.Ihadnospirit.

  ItellmydaughterthatIlovedherfather?Thiswasamanwhorubbedmyfeetatnight.HepraisedthefoodthatIcooked.HecriedholywhenIbroughtoutthetrisIhadsavedfortherightday,thedayhegavememydaughter,atigergirl.

  HowcouldInotlovethisman?Butitwastheloveofaghost.Armsthatencircledbutdidnottouch.Abowlfullofricebutwithoutmyappetitetoeatit.Nohunger.Nofullness.

  NowSaintisaghost.HeandIowloveequally.HeknowsthethingsIhavebeenhidingalltheseyears.NowImusttellmydaughtereverything.Thatsheisthedaughterofaghost.Shehasnochi.Thisismygreatestshame.HowIleavethisworldwithoutleavinghermyspirit?

  SothisiswhatIwilldo.Iwillgathertogethermypastandlook.Iwillseeathingthathasalreadyhappehepainthatcutmyspiritloose.Iwillholdthatpaininmyhanduntilitbeeshardandshiny,moreclear.Andthenmyfieresseback,mygoldenside,myblackside.Iwillusethissharppairatemydaughterstoughskinandcuthertigerspiritloose.Shewillfightme,becausethisisthenatureoftwotigers.ButIwillwinandgivehermyspirit,becausethisisthewayamotherlovesherdaughter.

  Ihearmydaughterspeakingtoherhusbanddownstairs.Theysaywordsthatmeannothing.Theysitinaroomwithnolifeinit.

  Iknowathingbeforeithappens.Shewillhearthevaseandtablecrashingtothefloor.Shewilleupthestairsandintomyroom.Hereyeswillseenothinginthedarkness,whereIamwaitiweerees.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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