A BACHELORS COMPLAINT OF THE BEHAVIOUR OF MARRIED

  ASasingleman,IhavespentagooddealofmytimeinnotingdowntheinfirmitiesofMarriedPeople,toyselfforthosesuperiorpleasures,whichtheytellmeIhavelostbyremainingasIam.

  Iotsaythatthequarrelsofmenandtheirwivesevermadeaimpressionuponme,orhadmudencytthehoseanti-socialresolutions,whichItookuplongagouponmoresubstantialsiderations.WhatofteoffehehousesofmarriedpersonswhereIvisit,isanerrorofquiteadifferentdescription;--itisthattheyaretooloving.

  Nottooloviher:thatdoesnotexplainmymeaning.Besides,whyshouldthatoffeheveryactofseparatingthemselvesfromtherestoftheworld,tohavethefullerenjoymentofeachotherssociety,impliesthattheypreferohertoalltheworld.

  ButwhatIplainofis,thattheycarrythispreferencesoundisguisedly,theyperkitupinthefacesofussinglepeoplesoshamelessly,youotbeintheirpanyamomentwithoutbeingmadetofeel,bysomeihintoropenavowal,thatyouarenottheobjectofthispreferenowtherearesomethingswhichgivenooffence,whileimpliedortakenfrantedmerely;butexpressed,thereismuchoffehem.Ifamaoaccostthefirsthomely-featuredorplain-dressedyoungwomanofhisacquaintandtellherbluntly,thatshewasnothandsomeorrioughforhim,andhecouldnotmarryher,hewoulddeservetobekickedforhisillmanners;yetnolessisimpliedi,thathavingaccessandopportunityofputtingthequestiontoher,hehasthoughtfittodoit.Theyoungwomaandsthisasclearlyasifitwereputintowords;butnoreasonableyoungwomanwouldthinkofmakingthisthegroundofaquarrel.Justaslittlerighthaveamarriedcoupletotellmebyspeeches,andlooksthatarescarcelessplainthanspeeches,thatIamnotthehappyman,theladyschoice.ItisenoughthatIknowIamnot:Idonotwantthisperpetualreminding.

  Thedisplayofsuperiorknowledgeorrichesmaybemadesuffitlymortifying;buttheseadmitofapalliative.Theknowledgewhichisbroughtouttoinsultme,mayactallyimproveme;andintherishousesandpictures,--hisparksandgardens,Ihaveatemporaryusufructatleast.Butthedisplayofmarriedhappinesshashesepalliatives:itisthroughoutpure,unrepensed,unqualifiedinsult.

  Marriagebyitsbesttitleisamonopoly,andnotoftheleastinvidioussort.Itistheingofmostpossessorsofanyexclusiveprivilegetokeeptheiradvantageasmuchoutofsightaspossible,thattheirlessfavouredneighbours,seeinglittleofthebe,maythelessbedisposedtoquestiontheright.Butthesemarriedmonopoliststhrustthemostobnoxiouspartoftheirpatentintoourfaces.

  Nothingistomemoredistastefulthanthatentirepladsatisfawhichbeaminthetenancesofanew-marriedcouple,--inthatoftheladyparticularly:ittellsyou,thatherlotisdisposedofinthisworld:thatyouhavenohopesofher.Itistrue,Ihavenone;norwisheseither,perhaps:butthisisohosetruthswhichought,asIsaidbefore,tobetakenfranted,notexpressed.

  Theexcessiveairswhichthosepeoplegivethemselves,fouheignoranceofusunmarriedpeople,wouldbemoreoffeheywerelessirrational.Wewillallowthemtouaeriesbelongingtotheirowncraftbetterthanwewhohavenothadthehappiobemadefreeofthepany:buttheirarroganottentwithintheselimits.Ifasinglepersonpresumetoofferhisopinionintheirpresehoughupoindifferentsubject,heisimmediatelysilencedasaninpetentperson.Nay,ayoungmarriedladyofmyacquaintance,who,thebestoftheJestwas,hadnotgedherditionaboveafhtbefore,iiononwhichIhadthemisfortuodifferfromher,respegtheproperestmodeofbreedingoystersfortheLondonmarket,hadtheassuraoaskwithasneer,howsuoldBachelorasIcouldpretendtoknowanythingaboutsuchmatters.

  ButwhatIhavespokenofhithertoisnothingtotheairswhichthesecreaturesgivethemselveswhentheye,astheygenerallydo,tohavechildren.WhenIsiderhowlittleofararitychildrehateverystreetandblindalleyswarmswiththem,--thatthepoorestpeopleonlyhavetheminmostabundahattherearefewmarriagesthatarenotblestwithatleastohesebargains,--howofteurnoutill,athefondhopesoftheirparents,takingtoviciouscourses,whidiy,disgrace,thegallo;c.--Iotformylifetellwhatcauseforpridetherepossiblybeinhavingthem.Iftheywereyoungphoenixes,ihatwerebornbutoneiheremightbeapretext.Butwhentheyaresoon-

  Idonotadverttotheimeritwhichtheyassumewiththeirhusbandsontheseoccasiohemlooktothat.Buthoarenottheirnatural-bornsubjects,shouldbeexpectedtourspices,myrrh,andinse,--ourtributeandhomageofadmiration,--Idonotsee.

  "Likeasthearrowsinthehandofthegiant,evensoaretheyoungchildren:"sosaystheexcellentoffiourPrayer-bookappointedforthechurgofwomen."Happyisthemanthathathhisquiverfullofthem:"SosayI;butthendohimdischargehisquiveruponusthatareonless;--letthembearrows,butnottogallandstickus.Ihavegenerallyobservedthatthesearrowsaredouble-headed:theyhavetwoforks,tobesuretohitwithoheother.Asforinstance,whenyoueintoahousewhichisfullofchildren,ifyouhappentotakenonoticeofthem(youarethinkingofsomethingelse,perhaps,andturnadeafeartotheiricaresses),youaresetdownasuntractable,morose,ahaterofchildren.Oherhand,ifyoufindthemmorethanusuallyengaging,ifyouaretakenwiththeirprettymanners,aaboutinearorompandplaywiththem,somepretextorotherissuretobefoundforsendioftheroom:theyaretoonoisyorboisterous,orMr.--doesnotlikechildren.Withoheroftheseforksthearrowissuretohityou.

  Icouldfivetheirjealousy,anddispehtoyingwiththeirbrats,ifitgivesthemanypain;butIthinkitunreasoobecalledupontolovethem,whereIseenooccasion,--toloveawholefamily,perhaps,eight,en,indiscrimiolovealltheprettydears,becausechildrenaresoengaging.

  Iknowthereisaproverb,"Loveme,lovemydog:"thatisnotalwayssoverypracticable,particularlyifthedogbesetuponyoutoteaseyouorsnapatyouinsport.Butadogoralesserthing--anyinanimatesubstance,asakeep-sake,awatch,atree,ortheplacewhereartedwhenmyfrieaonalongabsence,Imakeshifttolove,becauseIlovehim,andanythingthatremindsmeofhim;provideditbeinitsnatureindifferent,andapttoreceivewhateverhuefangiveit.Butchildrenhavearealcharacterandaialbeingofthemselves:theyareamiableorunamiableperse;ImustloveorhatethemasIseecauseforeitherintheirqualities.Achildsnatureistooseriousathingtoadmitofitsbeingregardedasamereappeoanotherbeing,andtobelovedorhatedaccly:theystandwithmeupontheirownstock,asmuchasmenandwomendo.O!butyouwillsay,sureitisanattractiveage,thereissomethingienderyearsofinfancythatofitselfcharmsus.ThatistheveryreasonwhyIammoreniceaboutthem.Iknowthatasweetchildisthesweetestthinginnature,noteveingthedelicatecreatureswhichbearthem;buttheprettierthekindofathingis,themoredesirableitisthatitshouldbeprettyofitskind.Onedaisydiffersnotmuanlory;butavioletshouldlookahedai.--Iwasalwaysrathersqueamishinmywomenandchildren.

  Butthisisnottheworst:obeadmittedintotheirfamiliarityatleast,beforetheyplainofiion.Itimpliesvisits,andsomekindofintercourse.Butifthehusbandbeamanwithwhomyouhavelivedonafriendlyfootingbeforemarriage,ifyoudidnoteinonthewifesside,--ifyoudidnotsneakintothehouseirain,butwereanoldfriendinfasthabitsofintimacybeforetheircourtshipwassomuchasthoughton,--lookaboutyou--yourtenureisprecarious--beforeatwelve-monthshallrolloveryourhead,youshallfindyouroldfriendgraduallygrowcoolandalteredtowardsyou,andatlastseekopportunitiesofbreakingwithyou.Ihavescarceamarriedfriendofmyacquaintance,uponwhosefirmfaithIrely,whosefriendshipdidnoteertheperiodofhismarriage.Withsomelimitationstheydurethat:butthatthegoodmanshouldhavedaredtoeoasolemnleagueoffriendshipinwhichtheywerenotsulted,thoughithappenedbeforetheyknewhim,--beforetheythatarenowaremanandwifeevermet,--thisisintolerabletothem.Everylongfriendship,everyoldauthentitimacy,musthebroughtintotheirofficetobeampedwiththeircurrency,asasnPrincecallsinthegoodoldmohatwasedinsnbeforehewasbornorthoughtof,tobenewmarkedandmihthestampofhisauthority,beforehewillletitpasscurrentintheworld.YoumayguesswhatluerallybefallssucharustypieetalasIaminthesenewmintings.

  Innumerablearethewayswhichtheytaketoinsultandwormyououtoftheirhusbandsfidence.Laughingatallyousaywithakindofwonder,asifyouwereaqueerkindoffellowthatsaidgoodthings,butanoddity,isoheways--theyhaveaparticularkindofstareforthepurpose--tillatlastthehusband,whousedtodefertment,andwouldpassoversomeexcrescesofuandingandmannerforthesakeofageneralveinofobservation(notquitevulgar)whichheperceivedinyou,beginstosuspectwhetheryouarenotaltogetherahumorist,--afellowwellenoughtohavesortedwithinhisbachelordays,butnotquitesopropertobeintroducedtoladies.Thismaybecalledthestaringway;andisthatwhichhasoftebeenputinpracticeagainstme.

  Thenthereistheexaggeratingway,orthewayofirony:thatis,wheretheyfindyouaofespecialregardwiththeirhusband,whoisnotsoeasilytobeshakenfromthelastingattatfoundedoeemwhichhehasceivedtowardsyou;bynever-qualifiedexaggerationstocryupallthatyousayordo,tillthegoodman,whouandswellenoughthatitisalldoneinplimenttohim,growswearyofthedebtofgratitudewhichisduetosomudor,andbyrelaxingalittleonhispart,andtakingdoegortwoihusiasm,sinksatlengthtothatkindlylevelofmoderateesteem,--that"detaffeandplatkindness"towardsyou,wheresheherselfjoininsympathywithhimwithoutmuchstretdvioleohersiy.

  Anotherway(forthewaystheyhavetoaplishsodesirableapurposeareinfinite)is,withakindofisimplicity,tinuallytomistakewhatitwaswhichfirstmadetheirhusbandfondofyou.Ifaeemforsomethingexcellentinyourmoralcharacterwasthatwhichrivetedthewhichsheistobreak,uponanyimaginarydiscoveryofawantofpoignanyourversation,shewillcry,"Ithought,mydear,youdescribedyourfriend,Mr.--asagreatwit."If,oherhand,itwasforsomesupposedcharminyourversationthathefirstgrewtolikeyou,andwastentforthistooverlooksometriflingirregularitiesinyourmoraldeportment,uponthefirstnoticeofanyofthesesheasreadilyexclaims,"This,mydear,isyoodMr.----."OnegoodladywhomItookthelibertyofexpostulatingwithfornotshowiesomuchrespectasIthoughtduetoherhusbandsoldfriend,hadthedourtofesstomethatshehadoftenheardMr.---speakofmebeforemarriage,andthatshehadceivedagreatdesiretobeacquaihme,butthatthesightofmehadverymuchdisappointedherexpectations;forfromherhusbandsrepresentationsofme,shehadformedanotionthatshewastoseeafiall,officer-likelookingman(Iuseherverywords);theveryreverseofwhichprovedtobethetruth.Thiswasdid;andIhadthecivilitynottoaskheriurn,howshecametopitchuponastandardofpersonalaplishmentsforherhusbandsfriendswhichdifferedsomuhisown;formyfriendsdimensionsasnearaspossibleapproximatetomiandingfivefeetfiveinhisshoes,inwhichIhavetheadvantageofhimbyabouthalfanindhenomorethanmyselfexhibitinganyindicationsofamartialcharacterinhisairortenance.

  ThesearesomeofthemortificationswhichIhaveenteredintheabsurdattempttovisitattheirhouses.Toeethemallwouldbeavainendeavour:Ishallthereforejustglaheveryproprietyofwhichmarriedladiesareguilty,oftreatingusasifweweretheirhusbands,andviceversa--.Imeaheyuseuswithfamiliarity,andtheirhusbandswithceremoacea,forinstance,keptmethehttwoorthreehoursbeyondmyusualtimeofsupping,whileshewasfrettingbecauseMr.--didnotehome,tilltheoystersoiled,ratherthanshewouldheguiltyoftheimpolitenessoftougoneinhisabsehiswasreversingthepointofgoodmanners:forceremonyisaiontotakeofftheuneasyfeelingwhichwederivefromknowingourselvestobelesstheobjectofloveaeemwithafellow-creaturethaherpersonis.Itendeavorstomakeupbysuperiorattentionsinlittlepoints,forthatinvidiouspreferencewhichitisforcedtodenyinthegreater.HadTestaceakepttheoystersbae,andwithstoodherhusbandsimportuogotosupper,shewouldhaveactedacctothestrictrulesofpropriety.Iknownoceremonythatladiesareboundtoobservetotheirhusbands,beyondthepointofamodestbehaviourandde:thereforeImustprotestagainstthevicariousgluttonyofCerasia,whoatherowntablesentawayadishofMorellas,whichIlyingtowithgreatgoodwill,toherhusbandattheotherendofthetable,andreendedaplateoflessextraordinarygoose-berriestomyunweddedpalateiead.herIexcusethewantonaffrontof-

  ButIamwearyingupallmymarriedacquaintancebyRomandenominatiohemamendandgetheirmanners,orIpromisetorecordthefull-lengthEnglishoftheirotheterrorofallsuchdesperateoffendersinfuture.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读

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