Chapter 35
HedidnotleaveforCambridgetheday,ashehadsaidhewould.Hedeferredhisdepartureawholeweek,andduringthattimehemademefeelwhatseverepunishmentagoodyetstern,astiousyetimplacablemanflionewhohasoffendedhim.Withoutoactofhostility,oneupbraidingword,hetrivedtoimpressmemomentlywiththevithatIutbeyondthepaleofhisfavour.
NotthatSt.Johnharbouredaspiritofunchristianvindictiveness—notthathewouldhaveinjuredahairofmyhead,ifithadbeenfullyinhispowertodoso.Bothbynatureandprinciple,heeriortothemeangratificationofvengeance:hehadfivenmeforsayingIsedhimandhislove,buthehadnottenthewords;andaslongasheandIlivedheneverwouldfetthem.Isawbyhislook,wheurome,thattheywerealwayswrittenontheairbetweenmeandhim;wheneverIspoke,theysoundedinmyvoicetohisear,andtheirechotonedeveryanswerhegaveme.
Hedidnotabstainfromversingwithme:heevencalledmeasusualeachmtojoinhimathisdesk;ahecorruptmanwithinhimhadapleasureunimpartedto,andunsharedby,thepureChristian,inevingwithwhatskillhecould,whileagandspeakingapparentlyjustasusual,extraeverydeedandeveryphrasethespiritofiandapprovalwhichhadformerlyunicatedacertainausterecharmtohislanguageandmaome,hewasiybeenolongerflesh,butmarble;hiseyewasacold,bright,bluegem;histongueaspeakinginstrument—nothingmore.
Allthiswastorturetome—refined,lingeringtorture.Itkeptupaslowfireofindignationandatremblingtroubleofgrief,whichharassedandcrushedmealtogether.Ifelthow—ifIwerehiswife,thisgoodman,pureasthedeepsunlesssource,couldsoonkillme,withoutdrawingfrommyveinsasingledropofblood,orreceivingonhisowncrystalscethefaiainofcrime.EspeciallyIfeltthiswhenImadeanyattempttopropitiatehim.Noruthmetmyruth.Heexperienosufferingfromestra—nafterreciliation;andthough,morethanonce,myfastfallingtearsblisteredthepageoverwhichwebothbent,theyproduoreeffethanifhishearthadbeenreallyamatterofstoneormetal.Tohissisters,meantime,hewassomewhatkihanusual:asifafraidthatmereesswouldnotsuffitlyvincemehowpletelyIwasbanishedandbanned,headdedtheforceoftrast;andthisIamsurehedidnotbyforce,butonprinciple.
Thenightbeforehelefthome,happeningtoseehimwalkinginthegardenaboutsu,andremembering,asIlookedathim,thatthisman,alienatedashenowwas,hadoncesavedmylife,andthatwewerenearrelations,Iwasmovedtomakealastattempttainhisfriendship.Iwentoutandapproachedhimashestoodleanihelittlegate;Ispoketothepointatonce.
“St.John,Iamunhappybecauseyouarestillangrywithme.Letusbefriends.”
“Ihopewearefriends,”wastheunmovedreply;whilehestillwatchedtherisingofthemoon,whichhehadbeenplatingasIapproached.
“No,St.John,wearenotfriendsaswewere.Youknowthat.”
“Arewenot?Thatiswrong.Formypart,Iwishyounoillandallgood.”
“Ibelieveyou,St.John;forIamsureyouareincapableofwishinganyoneill;but,asIamyourkinswoman,Ishoulddesiresomewhatmoreofaffethanthatseneralphilanthropyyouextendtomerestrangers.”
“Ofcourse,”hesaid.“Yourwishisreasonable,andIamfarfrardingyouasastranger.”
This,spokeninacool,tranquiltone,wasmortifyingandbafflingenough.HadIattehesuggestionsofprideandire,Ishouldimmediatelyhavelefthim;butsomethingworkedwithinmemorestronglythanthosefeelingscould.Ideeplyveedmycousin’stalentandprinciple.Hisfriendshipwasofvaluetome:toloseittriedmeseverely.Iwouldnotsosoonrelinquishtheattempttorequerit.
“Mustwepartinthisway,St.John?AndwhenyougotoIndia,willyouleavemeso,withoutakinderwordthanyouhaveyetspoken?”
Henowturnedquitefromthemoonandfacedme.
“WhenIgotoIndia,Jane,willIleaveyou!What!doyounotgotoIndia?”
“YousaidIcouldnotunlessImarriedyou.”
“Andyouwillnotmarryme!Youadheretothatresolution?”
Reader,doyouknow,asIdo,whatterrorthosecoldpeopleputintotheiceoftheirquestions?Howmuchofthefalloftheavalancheisintheiranger?ofthebreakingupofthefrozeheirdispleasure?
“No.St.John,Iwillnotmarryyou.Iadheretomyresolution.”
Theavalanchehadshakenandslidalittleforward,butitdidcrashdown.
“Oncemore,whythisrefusal?”heasked.
“Formerly,”Ianswered,“becauseyoudidnotloveme;now,Ireply,becauseyoualmosthateme.IfIweretomarryyou,youwouldkillme.Youarekillingmenow.”
Hislipsaurnedwhite—quitewhite.
“Ishouldkillyou—Iamkillingyou?Yourwordsaresuchasoughtnottobeused:violent,unfeminine,anduheybetrayanunfortueofmind:theymeritseverereproof:theywouldseeminexcusable,butthatitisthedutyofmantivehisfellowevenuntilseventy-aimes.”
Ihadfihebusinessnow.Whileearlywishingtoerasefromhismirayformeroffence,Ihadstampedonthattenacioussurfaotherandfardeeperimpression,Ihadburntitin.
“Nowyouwillieme,”Isaid.“Itisuselesstoattempttociliateyou:IseeIhavemadeaernalenemyofyou.”
Afreshwrongdidthesewordsinflict:theworse,becausetheytouchedoh.Thatbloodlesslipquiveredtoatemporaryspasm.IkhesteelyireIhadwhetted.Iwasheart-wrung.
“Youutterlymisinterpretmywords,”Isaid,atonceseizinghishand:“Ihavenoiiontogrieveorpainyou—indeed,Ihavenot.”
Mostbitterlyhesmiled—mostdecidedlyhewithdrewhishandfrommine.“Andnowyourecallyourpromise,andwillnotgotoIndiaatall,Ipresume?”saidhe,afterasiderablepause.
“Yes,Iwill,asyourassistant,”Ianswered.
Averylongsilencesucceeded.WhatstruggletherewasinhimbetweenNatureandGrathisinterval,Iottell:onlysingulargleamsstillatedinhiseyes,andstrangeshadowspassedoverhisface.Hespokeatlast.
“Ibeforeprovedtoyoutheabsurdityofasinglewomanofyeproposingtoapanyabroadasinglemanofmine.Iprovedittoyouinsuchtermsas,Ishouldhavethought,wouldhavepreventedyoureveragainalludingtotheplan.Thatyouhavedonesret—foryoursake.”
Iinterruptedhim.Anythinglikeatangiblereproachgavemeceatonce.“Keeptoonse.John:youarevergingonnonsense.YoupretendtobeshockedbywhatIhavesaid.Youarenotreallyshocked:for,withyoursuperiormind,youotbeeithersodullorsoceitedastomisuandmymeaning.Isayagain,Iwillbeyourcurate,ifyoulike,butneveryourwife.”
Agaiurnedlividlypale;but,asbefore,trolledhispassionperfectly.Heansweredemphaticallybutcalmly—
“Afemalecurate,whoisnotmywife,wouldneversuitme.Withme,then,itseems,youotgo:butifyouaresincereinyouroffer,Iwill,whileintowoamarriedmissionary,whosewifeneedsacoadjutor.YourownfortunewillmakeyouindepeoftheSociety’said;andthusyoumaystillbesparedthedishonourofbreakingyourpromiseaingthebandyoueojoin.”
NowIneverhad,asthereaderknows,eithergivenanyformalpromiseoreoanye;andthislanguagewasallmuchtoohardandmuchtoodespoticfortheoccasion.Ireplied—
“Thereisnodishonour,nobreachofpromise,ioninthecase.IamnotuheslightestobligationtogotoIndia,especiallywithstrangers.WithyouIwouldhaveventuredmuch,becauseIadmire,fidein,and,asasister,Iloveyou;butIamvihat,gowhenandwithwhomIwould,Ishouldnotlivelonginthatclimate.”
“Ah!youareafraidofyourself,”hesaid,curlinghislip.
“Iam.Goddidnotgivememylifetothrowaway;andtodoasyouwishmewould,Ibegintothink,bealmostequivalenttoittingsuicide.Moreover,beforeIdefinitivelyresolveonquittingEngland,IwillknowforcertaiherIotbeofgreaterusebyremaininginitthanbyleavingit.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Itwouldbefruitlesstoattempttoexplain;butthereisapointonwhichIhavelongenduredpainfuldoubt,andIgoillbysomemeansthatdoubtisremoved.”
“Iknowwhereyourheartturnsandtowhatitgs.Theiyoucherishislawlessandunsecrated.Longsinceyououghttohavecrushedit:nowyoushouldblushtoalludetoit.YouthinkofMr.Rochester?”
Itwastrue.Ifesseditbysilence.
“AreyougoingtoseekMr.Rochester?”
“Imustfindoutwhatisbe.”
“Itremainsforme,then,”hesaid,“torememberyouinmyprayers,areatGodforyou,inallearhatyoumaynotindeedbeeacastaway.IhadthoughtIreisedinyouohechosen.ButGodseesnotasmansees:Hiswillbedone—”
Heopehegate,passedthroughit,andstrayedawaydowntheglen.Hewassoonoutofsight.
Oeringtheparlour,IfoundDianastandingatthewindow,lookihoughtful.DianawasagreatdealtallerthanI:sheputherhandonmyshoulder,and,stooping,examinedmyface.
“Jane,”shesaid,“youarealwaysagitatedandpalenow.Iamsurethereissomethier.Tellmewhatbusi.Johnandyouhaveonhands.Ihavewatchedyouthishalfhourfromthewindow;youmustfivemybeingsuchaspy,butforalongtimeIhavefanciedIhardlyknowwhat.St.Johnisastrangebeing—”
Shepaused—Ididnotspeak:soonsheresumed—
“Thatbrotherofminecherishespeculiarviewsofsomesortrespegyou,Iamsure:hehaslongdistinguishedyoubyanotidihenevershowedtoanyoneelse—towhatend?Iwishhelovedyou—doeshe,Jane?”
Iputhercoolhandtomyhotforehead;“No,Die,noto.”
“Thenwhydoeshefollowyousowithhiseyes,ayousofrequentlyalohhim,andkeepyousotinuallyathisside?MaryandIhadbothcludedhewishedyoutomarryhim.”
“Hedoes—hehasaskedmetobehiswife.”
Dianaclappedherhands.“Thatisjustwhatwehopedandthought!Andyouwillmarryhim,Jane,won’tyou?AndthenhewillstayinEngland.”
“Farfromthat,Diana;hissoleideainproposingtomeistoprocureafittingfellow-labourerinhisIndiantoils.”
“What!HewishesyoutogotoIndia?”
“Yes.”
“Madness!”sheexclaimed.“Youwouldnotlivethreemonthsthere,Iamcertain.Younevershallgo:youhavenotsented,haveyou,Jane?”
“Ihaverefusedtomarryhim—”
“Andhavesequentlydispleasedhim?”shesuggested.
“Deeply:hewillneverfiveme,Ifear:yetIofferedtoapanyhimashissister.”
“Itwasfranticfollytodoso,Jahinkofthetaskyouuook—oneofincessantfatigue,wherefatiguekillseverong,andyouareweak.St.John—youknowhim—wouldurgeyoutoimpossibilities:withhimtherewouldbenopermissiodurihours;andunfortunately,Ihavenoticed,whateverheexacts,youforceyourselftoperform.Iamastonishedyoufoundcetorefusehishand.Youdonotlovehimthen,Jane?”
“Notasahusband.”
“Yetheisahandsomefellow.”
“AndIamsoplain,yousee,Die.Weshouldneversuit.”
“Plain!You?Notatall.Youaremuchtoopretty,aswellastoogood,tobegrilledaliveinCalcutta.”Andagainsheearlyjuredmetogiveupallthoughtsofgoingoutwithherbrother.
“Imustindeed,”Isaid;“forwhenjustnowIrepeatedtheofferhimforadea,heexpressedhimselfshockedatmywantofdecy.HeseemedtothinkIhadittedanimproprietyinproposingtoapanyhimunmarried:asifIhadnotfromthefirsthopedtofindinhimabrother,andhabituallyregardedhimassuch.”
“Whatmakesyousayhedoesnotloveyou,Jane?”
“Youshouldhearhimselfonthesubject.Hehasagainandagainexplaihatitisnothimself,buthisofficehewishestomate.HehastoldmeIamformedforlabour—notforlove:whichistrue,nodoubt.But,inmyopinion,ifIamnotformedforlove,itfollowsthatIamnotformedfe.Woulditrange,Die,tobeedforlifetoamanwhardedoasausefultool?”
“Insupportable—unnatural—outofthequestion!”
“Andthen,”ItihoughIhaveonlysisterlyaffeforhimnow,yet,ifforcedtobehiswife,Iimagihepossibilityofceivingaable,strakindofloveforhim,becauseheissotalented;andthereisofteainheroideurinhislook,manner,andversation.Inthatcase,mylotwouldbeeunspeakablywretched.Hewouldnotwaolovehim;andifIshowedthefeeling,hewouldmakemesensiblethatiterfluity,unrequiredbyhim,unbeinginme.Iknowhewould.”
“A.Johnisagoodman,”saidDiana.
“Heisagoodandagreatman;buthefets,pitilessly,thefeelingsandclaimsoflittlepeople,inpursuinghisownlargeviews.Itisbetter,therefore,fortheinsignifittokeepoutofhisway,lest,inhisprogress,heshouldtramplethemdown.Herehees!Iwillleaveyou,Diana.”AndIhastenedupstairsasIsawhimenteringthegarden.
ButIwasforeethimagainatsupper.Duringthatmealheappearedjustasposedasusual.Ihadthoughthewouldhardlyspeaktome,andIwascertainhehadgivenupthepursuitofhismatrimonialscheme:thesequelshowedIwasmistakenonbothpoints.Headdressedmepreciselyinhisordinarymanner,orwhathad,oflate,beenhisordinarymanner—onescrupulouslypolite.NodoubthehadihehelpoftheHolySpirittosubduetheangerIhadrousedinhim,andnowbelievedhehadfivenmeoncemore.
Fortheeveningreadingbeforeprayers,heselectedthetwenty-firstchapterofRevelation.ItwasatalltimespleasanttolistenwhilefromhislipsfellthewordsoftheBible:neverdidhisfinevoicesoundatoncesosweetandfull—neverdidhismannerbeesoimpressiveinitsnoblesimplicity,aswhenhedeliveredtheoraclesofGod:andto-nightthatvoioresolemhatmanneramorethrillingmeaning—ashesatinthemidstofhishouseholdcircle(theMaymoonshininginthroughtheuncurtainedwindow,andrenderingalmostunnecessarythelightofthedleoable):ashesatthere,bendihegreatoldBible,anddescribedfromitspagethevisionofthenewheavenandtheh—toldhowGodwouldetodwellwithmen,howHewouldwipeawayalltearsfromtheireyes,andpromisedthatthereshouldbenomoredeath,hersorrown,noranymorepain,becausetheformerthingswerepassedaway.
Thesucceedingwordsthrilledmestrangelyashespokethem:especiallyasIfelt,bytheslight,indescribablealterationinsound,thatinutteringthem,hiseyehadturnedonme.
“Hethatoverethshalliallthings;andIwillbehisGod,andheshallbemyson.But,”wasslowly,distinctlyread,“thefearful,theunbelieving,&c.,shallhavetheirpartinthelakewhichburhwithfireandbrimstone,whichistheseddeath.”
Henceforward,IknewwhatfateSt.Johnfearedforme.
Acalm,subduedtriumph,blentwithalongingearness,markedhisenunciationofthelastgloriousversesofthatchapter.ThereaderbelievedhisnamewasalreadywrittenintheLamb’sbookoflife,andheyearerthehourwhichshouldadmithimtothecitytowhichthekingsoftheearthbringtheirgloryandhonour;whichhasnoneedofsunormoontoshi,becausetheglodlightensit,andtheLambisthelightthereof.
Intheprayerfollowingthechapter,allhisenergygathered—allhissternzealwoke:hewasindeepear,wrestlingwithGod,andresolvedonaquest.Hesupplicatedstrengthfortheweak-hearted;guidanceforwanderersfromthefold:areturheeleventhhour,forthosewhomthetemptationsoftheworldandthefleshwereluringfromthenarrowpath.Heasked,heurged,heclaimedtheboonofabrandsnatchedfromtheburning.Earnessiseverdeeplysolemn:first,asIlistehatprayer,Iwohis;thetinuedandrose,Iwastouchedbyit,andatlastawed.Hefeltthegreatnessandgoodnessofhispurposesosincerely:otherswhoheardhimpleadforit,couldnotbutfeelittoo.
Theprayerover,wetookleaveofhim:hewastogoataveryearlyhourinthem.DianaandMaryhavingkissedhim,lefttheroom—inpliahink,withawhisperedhintfromhim:Itenderedmyhand,andwishedhimapleasantjourney.
“Thankyou,Jane.AsIsaid,IshallreturnfromCambridgeinafht:thatspace,then,isyetleftyouforrefle.IfIlisteohumanpride,Ishouldsaynomoretoyouewithme;butIlistentomyduty,aeadilyinviewmyfirstaim—todoallthingstotheglod.MyMasterwaslong-suffering:sowillIbe.Iotgiveyouuptoperditionasavesselofwrath:repent—resolve,whilethereisyettime.Remember,wearebidtoworkwhileitisday—warhat‘thenightethwhennomanshallwork.’RememberthefateofDives,whohadhisgoodthingsinthislife.Godgiveythtochoosethatbetterpartwhichshallakenfromyou!”
Helaidhishandonmyheadasheutteredthelastwords.Hehadspokenearly,mildly:hislookwasnot,ihatofaloverbeholdinghismistress,butitwasthatofapastorrecallinghiswanderingsheep—orbetter,ofaguardiagthesoulforwhichheisresponsible.Allmenoftalent,whethertheybemenoffeelingornot;whethertheybezealots,oraspirants,ordespots—providedonlytheybesincere—havetheirsublimemoments,whentheysubdueandrule.IfeltveionforSt.John—veionsthatitsimpetusthrustmeatohepointIhadsolongshunned.Iwastemptedtoceasestrugglingwithhim—torushdoworrentofhiswillintothegulfofhisexistendtherelosemyown.IwasalmostashardbesetbyhimnowasIhadbeenoncebefore,inadifferentway,byanother.Iwasafoolbothtimes.Tohaveyieldedthenwouldhavebeenanerrorofprinciple;tohaveyieldednowwouldhavebeenanerrorofjudgment.SoIthinkatthishour,whenIlookbacktothecrisisthroughthequietmediumoftime:Iwasunsciousoffollyattheinstant.
Istoodmotionlessundermyhierophant’stouch.Myrefusalswerefotten—myfearsoverywrestlingsparalysed.TheImpossible—i.e.,mymarriagewithSt.John—wasfastbeingthePossible.Allwasgingutterlywithasuddensweep.Religioncalled—Angelsbeed—Godanded—liferolledtogetherlikeascroll—death’sgatesopening,showedeternitybeyond:itseemed,thatforsafetyandblissthere,allheremightbesacrifiased.Thedimroomwasfullofvisions.
“Couldyoudeow?”askedthemissionary.Theinquiryutiletones:hedrewmetohimasgently.Oh,thatgentleness!howfarmorepotentisitthanforce!IcouldresistSt.John’swrath:Igrewpliantasareedunderhiskindness.YetIknewallthetime,ifIyieldednow,Ishouldnotthelessbemadetorepent,someday,ofmyformerrebellion.Hisnaturewasnotgedbyonehourofsolemnprayer:itwasonlyelevated.
“IcoulddecideifIwerebutcertain,”Ianswered:“wereIbutvihatitisGod’swillIshouldmarryyou,Icouldvowtomarryyouhereandnow—eafterwardswhatwould!”
“MyIprayersareheard!”ejaculatedSt.John.Hepressedhishandfirmeronmyhead,asifheclaimedme:hesurroundedmewithhisarm,almostasifhelovedme(Isayalmost—Ikhedifference—forIhadfeltwhatitwastobeloved;but,likehim,Ihadnowputloveoutofthequestion,andthoughtonlyofduty).Itehmyinwarddimnessofvision,beforewhichcloudsyetrolled.Isincerely,deeply,ferventlyloodowhatwasright;andonlythat.“Showme,showmethepath!”IeedofHeaven.IwasexcitedmorethanIhadeverbeen;aherwhatfollowedwastheeffectofexcitementthereadershalljudge.
Allthehousewasstill;forIbelieveall,exceptSt.Johnandmyself,wereiredtorest.Theonedlewasdyingout:theroomwasfullofmoonlight.Myheartbeatfastandthick:Ihearditsthrob.Suddenlyitstoodstilltoaninexpressiblefeelingthatthrilleditthrough,andpassedatoomyheadaremities.Thefeelingwasnotlikearicshock,butitwasquiteassharp,asstrange,asstartling:itaysensesasiftheirutmostactivityhithertohadbeenbuttorpor,fromwhichtheywerenowsummonedandforcedtowake.Theyroseexpet:eyeandearwaitedwhilethefleshquiveredonmybones.
“Whathaveyouheard?Whatdoyousee?”askedSt.John.Isawnothing,butIheardavoiewherecry—
“Jane!Jane!Jane!”—nothingmore.
“OGod!whatisit?”Igasped.
Imighthavesaid,“Whereisit?”foritdidnotseemintheroom—norinthehouse—norinthegarden;itdidnoteoutoftheair—norfromuheearth—norfromoverhead.Ihadheardit—where,orwhence,foreverimpossibletoknow!Anditwasthevoiceofahumanbeing—aknown,loved,well-rememberedvoice—thatofEdwardFairfaxRochester;anditspokeinpainandwoe,wildly,eerily,urgently.
“Iaming!”Icried.“Waitforme!Oh,Iwille!”Iflewtothedoorandlookedintothepassage:itwasdark.Iranoutintothegarden:itwasvoid.
“Whereareyou?”Iexclaimed.
ThehillsbeyondMarshGleheanswerfaintlyback—“Whereareyou?”Ilistehewindsighedlowinthefirs:allwasmoorlandlonelinessandmidnighthush.
“Dowition!”Iented,asthatspectreroseupblackbytheblackyewatthegate.“Thisisnotthydeception,northywitchcraft:itistheworkofnature.Shewasroused,anddid—nomiracle—butherbest.”
IbrokefromSt.John,whohadfollowed,andwouldhavedetaiwasmytimetoassumeasdency.Mypowerswereinplayandinforce.Itoldhimtoforbearquestionorremark;Idesiredhimtoleaveme:Imustandwouldbealone.Heobeyedatonce.Wherethereiseoandwellenough,obedieneverfails.Imouomychamber;lockedmyselfin;fellonmyknees;andprayedinmyway—adifferentwaytoSt.John’s,buteffectiveinitsownfashion.IseemedtopeeverynearaMightySpirit;andmysoulrushedoutingratitudeatHisfeet.Irosefromthethanksgiving—tookaresolve—andlaydown,unscared,enlightened—eagerbutforthedaylight.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
NotthatSt.Johnharbouredaspiritofunchristianvindictiveness—notthathewouldhaveinjuredahairofmyhead,ifithadbeenfullyinhispowertodoso.Bothbynatureandprinciple,heeriortothemeangratificationofvengeance:hehadfivenmeforsayingIsedhimandhislove,buthehadnottenthewords;andaslongasheandIlivedheneverwouldfetthem.Isawbyhislook,wheurome,thattheywerealwayswrittenontheairbetweenmeandhim;wheneverIspoke,theysoundedinmyvoicetohisear,andtheirechotonedeveryanswerhegaveme.
Hedidnotabstainfromversingwithme:heevencalledmeasusualeachmtojoinhimathisdesk;ahecorruptmanwithinhimhadapleasureunimpartedto,andunsharedby,thepureChristian,inevingwithwhatskillhecould,whileagandspeakingapparentlyjustasusual,extraeverydeedandeveryphrasethespiritofiandapprovalwhichhadformerlyunicatedacertainausterecharmtohislanguageandmaome,hewasiybeenolongerflesh,butmarble;hiseyewasacold,bright,bluegem;histongueaspeakinginstrument—nothingmore.
Allthiswastorturetome—refined,lingeringtorture.Itkeptupaslowfireofindignationandatremblingtroubleofgrief,whichharassedandcrushedmealtogether.Ifelthow—ifIwerehiswife,thisgoodman,pureasthedeepsunlesssource,couldsoonkillme,withoutdrawingfrommyveinsasingledropofblood,orreceivingonhisowncrystalscethefaiainofcrime.EspeciallyIfeltthiswhenImadeanyattempttopropitiatehim.Noruthmetmyruth.Heexperienosufferingfromestra—nafterreciliation;andthough,morethanonce,myfastfallingtearsblisteredthepageoverwhichwebothbent,theyproduoreeffethanifhishearthadbeenreallyamatterofstoneormetal.Tohissisters,meantime,hewassomewhatkihanusual:asifafraidthatmereesswouldnotsuffitlyvincemehowpletelyIwasbanishedandbanned,headdedtheforceoftrast;andthisIamsurehedidnotbyforce,butonprinciple.
Thenightbeforehelefthome,happeningtoseehimwalkinginthegardenaboutsu,andremembering,asIlookedathim,thatthisman,alienatedashenowwas,hadoncesavedmylife,andthatwewerenearrelations,Iwasmovedtomakealastattempttainhisfriendship.Iwentoutandapproachedhimashestoodleanihelittlegate;Ispoketothepointatonce.
“St.John,Iamunhappybecauseyouarestillangrywithme.Letusbefriends.”
“Ihopewearefriends,”wastheunmovedreply;whilehestillwatchedtherisingofthemoon,whichhehadbeenplatingasIapproached.
“No,St.John,wearenotfriendsaswewere.Youknowthat.”
“Arewenot?Thatiswrong.Formypart,Iwishyounoillandallgood.”
“Ibelieveyou,St.John;forIamsureyouareincapableofwishinganyoneill;but,asIamyourkinswoman,Ishoulddesiresomewhatmoreofaffethanthatseneralphilanthropyyouextendtomerestrangers.”
“Ofcourse,”hesaid.“Yourwishisreasonable,andIamfarfrardingyouasastranger.”
This,spokeninacool,tranquiltone,wasmortifyingandbafflingenough.HadIattehesuggestionsofprideandire,Ishouldimmediatelyhavelefthim;butsomethingworkedwithinmemorestronglythanthosefeelingscould.Ideeplyveedmycousin’stalentandprinciple.Hisfriendshipwasofvaluetome:toloseittriedmeseverely.Iwouldnotsosoonrelinquishtheattempttorequerit.
“Mustwepartinthisway,St.John?AndwhenyougotoIndia,willyouleavemeso,withoutakinderwordthanyouhaveyetspoken?”
Henowturnedquitefromthemoonandfacedme.
“WhenIgotoIndia,Jane,willIleaveyou!What!doyounotgotoIndia?”
“YousaidIcouldnotunlessImarriedyou.”
“Andyouwillnotmarryme!Youadheretothatresolution?”
Reader,doyouknow,asIdo,whatterrorthosecoldpeopleputintotheiceoftheirquestions?Howmuchofthefalloftheavalancheisintheiranger?ofthebreakingupofthefrozeheirdispleasure?
“No.St.John,Iwillnotmarryyou.Iadheretomyresolution.”
Theavalanchehadshakenandslidalittleforward,butitdidcrashdown.
“Oncemore,whythisrefusal?”heasked.
“Formerly,”Ianswered,“becauseyoudidnotloveme;now,Ireply,becauseyoualmosthateme.IfIweretomarryyou,youwouldkillme.Youarekillingmenow.”
Hislipsaurnedwhite—quitewhite.
“Ishouldkillyou—Iamkillingyou?Yourwordsaresuchasoughtnottobeused:violent,unfeminine,anduheybetrayanunfortueofmind:theymeritseverereproof:theywouldseeminexcusable,butthatitisthedutyofmantivehisfellowevenuntilseventy-aimes.”
Ihadfihebusinessnow.Whileearlywishingtoerasefromhismirayformeroffence,Ihadstampedonthattenacioussurfaotherandfardeeperimpression,Ihadburntitin.
“Nowyouwillieme,”Isaid.“Itisuselesstoattempttociliateyou:IseeIhavemadeaernalenemyofyou.”
Afreshwrongdidthesewordsinflict:theworse,becausetheytouchedoh.Thatbloodlesslipquiveredtoatemporaryspasm.IkhesteelyireIhadwhetted.Iwasheart-wrung.
“Youutterlymisinterpretmywords,”Isaid,atonceseizinghishand:“Ihavenoiiontogrieveorpainyou—indeed,Ihavenot.”
Mostbitterlyhesmiled—mostdecidedlyhewithdrewhishandfrommine.“Andnowyourecallyourpromise,andwillnotgotoIndiaatall,Ipresume?”saidhe,afterasiderablepause.
“Yes,Iwill,asyourassistant,”Ianswered.
Averylongsilencesucceeded.WhatstruggletherewasinhimbetweenNatureandGrathisinterval,Iottell:onlysingulargleamsstillatedinhiseyes,andstrangeshadowspassedoverhisface.Hespokeatlast.
“Ibeforeprovedtoyoutheabsurdityofasinglewomanofyeproposingtoapanyabroadasinglemanofmine.Iprovedittoyouinsuchtermsas,Ishouldhavethought,wouldhavepreventedyoureveragainalludingtotheplan.Thatyouhavedonesret—foryoursake.”
Iinterruptedhim.Anythinglikeatangiblereproachgavemeceatonce.“Keeptoonse.John:youarevergingonnonsense.YoupretendtobeshockedbywhatIhavesaid.Youarenotreallyshocked:for,withyoursuperiormind,youotbeeithersodullorsoceitedastomisuandmymeaning.Isayagain,Iwillbeyourcurate,ifyoulike,butneveryourwife.”
Agaiurnedlividlypale;but,asbefore,trolledhispassionperfectly.Heansweredemphaticallybutcalmly—
“Afemalecurate,whoisnotmywife,wouldneversuitme.Withme,then,itseems,youotgo:butifyouaresincereinyouroffer,Iwill,whileintowoamarriedmissionary,whosewifeneedsacoadjutor.YourownfortunewillmakeyouindepeoftheSociety’said;andthusyoumaystillbesparedthedishonourofbreakingyourpromiseaingthebandyoueojoin.”
NowIneverhad,asthereaderknows,eithergivenanyformalpromiseoreoanye;andthislanguagewasallmuchtoohardandmuchtoodespoticfortheoccasion.Ireplied—
“Thereisnodishonour,nobreachofpromise,ioninthecase.IamnotuheslightestobligationtogotoIndia,especiallywithstrangers.WithyouIwouldhaveventuredmuch,becauseIadmire,fidein,and,asasister,Iloveyou;butIamvihat,gowhenandwithwhomIwould,Ishouldnotlivelonginthatclimate.”
“Ah!youareafraidofyourself,”hesaid,curlinghislip.
“Iam.Goddidnotgivememylifetothrowaway;andtodoasyouwishmewould,Ibegintothink,bealmostequivalenttoittingsuicide.Moreover,beforeIdefinitivelyresolveonquittingEngland,IwillknowforcertaiherIotbeofgreaterusebyremaininginitthanbyleavingit.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Itwouldbefruitlesstoattempttoexplain;butthereisapointonwhichIhavelongenduredpainfuldoubt,andIgoillbysomemeansthatdoubtisremoved.”
“Iknowwhereyourheartturnsandtowhatitgs.Theiyoucherishislawlessandunsecrated.Longsinceyououghttohavecrushedit:nowyoushouldblushtoalludetoit.YouthinkofMr.Rochester?”
Itwastrue.Ifesseditbysilence.
“AreyougoingtoseekMr.Rochester?”
“Imustfindoutwhatisbe.”
“Itremainsforme,then,”hesaid,“torememberyouinmyprayers,areatGodforyou,inallearhatyoumaynotindeedbeeacastaway.IhadthoughtIreisedinyouohechosen.ButGodseesnotasmansees:Hiswillbedone—”
Heopehegate,passedthroughit,andstrayedawaydowntheglen.Hewassoonoutofsight.
Oeringtheparlour,IfoundDianastandingatthewindow,lookihoughtful.DianawasagreatdealtallerthanI:sheputherhandonmyshoulder,and,stooping,examinedmyface.
“Jane,”shesaid,“youarealwaysagitatedandpalenow.Iamsurethereissomethier.Tellmewhatbusi.Johnandyouhaveonhands.Ihavewatchedyouthishalfhourfromthewindow;youmustfivemybeingsuchaspy,butforalongtimeIhavefanciedIhardlyknowwhat.St.Johnisastrangebeing—”
Shepaused—Ididnotspeak:soonsheresumed—
“Thatbrotherofminecherishespeculiarviewsofsomesortrespegyou,Iamsure:hehaslongdistinguishedyoubyanotidihenevershowedtoanyoneelse—towhatend?Iwishhelovedyou—doeshe,Jane?”
Iputhercoolhandtomyhotforehead;“No,Die,noto.”
“Thenwhydoeshefollowyousowithhiseyes,ayousofrequentlyalohhim,andkeepyousotinuallyathisside?MaryandIhadbothcludedhewishedyoutomarryhim.”
“Hedoes—hehasaskedmetobehiswife.”
Dianaclappedherhands.“Thatisjustwhatwehopedandthought!Andyouwillmarryhim,Jane,won’tyou?AndthenhewillstayinEngland.”
“Farfromthat,Diana;hissoleideainproposingtomeistoprocureafittingfellow-labourerinhisIndiantoils.”
“What!HewishesyoutogotoIndia?”
“Yes.”
“Madness!”sheexclaimed.“Youwouldnotlivethreemonthsthere,Iamcertain.Younevershallgo:youhavenotsented,haveyou,Jane?”
“Ihaverefusedtomarryhim—”
“Andhavesequentlydispleasedhim?”shesuggested.
“Deeply:hewillneverfiveme,Ifear:yetIofferedtoapanyhimashissister.”
“Itwasfranticfollytodoso,Jahinkofthetaskyouuook—oneofincessantfatigue,wherefatiguekillseverong,andyouareweak.St.John—youknowhim—wouldurgeyoutoimpossibilities:withhimtherewouldbenopermissiodurihours;andunfortunately,Ihavenoticed,whateverheexacts,youforceyourselftoperform.Iamastonishedyoufoundcetorefusehishand.Youdonotlovehimthen,Jane?”
“Notasahusband.”
“Yetheisahandsomefellow.”
“AndIamsoplain,yousee,Die.Weshouldneversuit.”
“Plain!You?Notatall.Youaremuchtoopretty,aswellastoogood,tobegrilledaliveinCalcutta.”Andagainsheearlyjuredmetogiveupallthoughtsofgoingoutwithherbrother.
“Imustindeed,”Isaid;“forwhenjustnowIrepeatedtheofferhimforadea,heexpressedhimselfshockedatmywantofdecy.HeseemedtothinkIhadittedanimproprietyinproposingtoapanyhimunmarried:asifIhadnotfromthefirsthopedtofindinhimabrother,andhabituallyregardedhimassuch.”
“Whatmakesyousayhedoesnotloveyou,Jane?”
“Youshouldhearhimselfonthesubject.Hehasagainandagainexplaihatitisnothimself,buthisofficehewishestomate.HehastoldmeIamformedforlabour—notforlove:whichistrue,nodoubt.But,inmyopinion,ifIamnotformedforlove,itfollowsthatIamnotformedfe.Woulditrange,Die,tobeedforlifetoamanwhardedoasausefultool?”
“Insupportable—unnatural—outofthequestion!”
“Andthen,”ItihoughIhaveonlysisterlyaffeforhimnow,yet,ifforcedtobehiswife,Iimagihepossibilityofceivingaable,strakindofloveforhim,becauseheissotalented;andthereisofteainheroideurinhislook,manner,andversation.Inthatcase,mylotwouldbeeunspeakablywretched.Hewouldnotwaolovehim;andifIshowedthefeeling,hewouldmakemesensiblethatiterfluity,unrequiredbyhim,unbeinginme.Iknowhewould.”
“A.Johnisagoodman,”saidDiana.
“Heisagoodandagreatman;buthefets,pitilessly,thefeelingsandclaimsoflittlepeople,inpursuinghisownlargeviews.Itisbetter,therefore,fortheinsignifittokeepoutofhisway,lest,inhisprogress,heshouldtramplethemdown.Herehees!Iwillleaveyou,Diana.”AndIhastenedupstairsasIsawhimenteringthegarden.
ButIwasforeethimagainatsupper.Duringthatmealheappearedjustasposedasusual.Ihadthoughthewouldhardlyspeaktome,andIwascertainhehadgivenupthepursuitofhismatrimonialscheme:thesequelshowedIwasmistakenonbothpoints.Headdressedmepreciselyinhisordinarymanner,orwhathad,oflate,beenhisordinarymanner—onescrupulouslypolite.NodoubthehadihehelpoftheHolySpirittosubduetheangerIhadrousedinhim,andnowbelievedhehadfivenmeoncemore.
Fortheeveningreadingbeforeprayers,heselectedthetwenty-firstchapterofRevelation.ItwasatalltimespleasanttolistenwhilefromhislipsfellthewordsoftheBible:neverdidhisfinevoicesoundatoncesosweetandfull—neverdidhismannerbeesoimpressiveinitsnoblesimplicity,aswhenhedeliveredtheoraclesofGod:andto-nightthatvoioresolemhatmanneramorethrillingmeaning—ashesatinthemidstofhishouseholdcircle(theMaymoonshininginthroughtheuncurtainedwindow,andrenderingalmostunnecessarythelightofthedleoable):ashesatthere,bendihegreatoldBible,anddescribedfromitspagethevisionofthenewheavenandtheh—toldhowGodwouldetodwellwithmen,howHewouldwipeawayalltearsfromtheireyes,andpromisedthatthereshouldbenomoredeath,hersorrown,noranymorepain,becausetheformerthingswerepassedaway.
Thesucceedingwordsthrilledmestrangelyashespokethem:especiallyasIfelt,bytheslight,indescribablealterationinsound,thatinutteringthem,hiseyehadturnedonme.
“Hethatoverethshalliallthings;andIwillbehisGod,andheshallbemyson.But,”wasslowly,distinctlyread,“thefearful,theunbelieving,&c.,shallhavetheirpartinthelakewhichburhwithfireandbrimstone,whichistheseddeath.”
Henceforward,IknewwhatfateSt.Johnfearedforme.
Acalm,subduedtriumph,blentwithalongingearness,markedhisenunciationofthelastgloriousversesofthatchapter.ThereaderbelievedhisnamewasalreadywrittenintheLamb’sbookoflife,andheyearerthehourwhichshouldadmithimtothecitytowhichthekingsoftheearthbringtheirgloryandhonour;whichhasnoneedofsunormoontoshi,becausetheglodlightensit,andtheLambisthelightthereof.
Intheprayerfollowingthechapter,allhisenergygathered—allhissternzealwoke:hewasindeepear,wrestlingwithGod,andresolvedonaquest.Hesupplicatedstrengthfortheweak-hearted;guidanceforwanderersfromthefold:areturheeleventhhour,forthosewhomthetemptationsoftheworldandthefleshwereluringfromthenarrowpath.Heasked,heurged,heclaimedtheboonofabrandsnatchedfromtheburning.Earnessiseverdeeplysolemn:first,asIlistehatprayer,Iwohis;thetinuedandrose,Iwastouchedbyit,andatlastawed.Hefeltthegreatnessandgoodnessofhispurposesosincerely:otherswhoheardhimpleadforit,couldnotbutfeelittoo.
Theprayerover,wetookleaveofhim:hewastogoataveryearlyhourinthem.DianaandMaryhavingkissedhim,lefttheroom—inpliahink,withawhisperedhintfromhim:Itenderedmyhand,andwishedhimapleasantjourney.
“Thankyou,Jane.AsIsaid,IshallreturnfromCambridgeinafht:thatspace,then,isyetleftyouforrefle.IfIlisteohumanpride,Ishouldsaynomoretoyouewithme;butIlistentomyduty,aeadilyinviewmyfirstaim—todoallthingstotheglod.MyMasterwaslong-suffering:sowillIbe.Iotgiveyouuptoperditionasavesselofwrath:repent—resolve,whilethereisyettime.Remember,wearebidtoworkwhileitisday—warhat‘thenightethwhennomanshallwork.’RememberthefateofDives,whohadhisgoodthingsinthislife.Godgiveythtochoosethatbetterpartwhichshallakenfromyou!”
Helaidhishandonmyheadasheutteredthelastwords.Hehadspokenearly,mildly:hislookwasnot,ihatofaloverbeholdinghismistress,butitwasthatofapastorrecallinghiswanderingsheep—orbetter,ofaguardiagthesoulforwhichheisresponsible.Allmenoftalent,whethertheybemenoffeelingornot;whethertheybezealots,oraspirants,ordespots—providedonlytheybesincere—havetheirsublimemoments,whentheysubdueandrule.IfeltveionforSt.John—veionsthatitsimpetusthrustmeatohepointIhadsolongshunned.Iwastemptedtoceasestrugglingwithhim—torushdoworrentofhiswillintothegulfofhisexistendtherelosemyown.IwasalmostashardbesetbyhimnowasIhadbeenoncebefore,inadifferentway,byanother.Iwasafoolbothtimes.Tohaveyieldedthenwouldhavebeenanerrorofprinciple;tohaveyieldednowwouldhavebeenanerrorofjudgment.SoIthinkatthishour,whenIlookbacktothecrisisthroughthequietmediumoftime:Iwasunsciousoffollyattheinstant.
Istoodmotionlessundermyhierophant’stouch.Myrefusalswerefotten—myfearsoverywrestlingsparalysed.TheImpossible—i.e.,mymarriagewithSt.John—wasfastbeingthePossible.Allwasgingutterlywithasuddensweep.Religioncalled—Angelsbeed—Godanded—liferolledtogetherlikeascroll—death’sgatesopening,showedeternitybeyond:itseemed,thatforsafetyandblissthere,allheremightbesacrifiased.Thedimroomwasfullofvisions.
“Couldyoudeow?”askedthemissionary.Theinquiryutiletones:hedrewmetohimasgently.Oh,thatgentleness!howfarmorepotentisitthanforce!IcouldresistSt.John’swrath:Igrewpliantasareedunderhiskindness.YetIknewallthetime,ifIyieldednow,Ishouldnotthelessbemadetorepent,someday,ofmyformerrebellion.Hisnaturewasnotgedbyonehourofsolemnprayer:itwasonlyelevated.
“IcoulddecideifIwerebutcertain,”Ianswered:“wereIbutvihatitisGod’swillIshouldmarryyou,Icouldvowtomarryyouhereandnow—eafterwardswhatwould!”
“MyIprayersareheard!”ejaculatedSt.John.Hepressedhishandfirmeronmyhead,asifheclaimedme:hesurroundedmewithhisarm,almostasifhelovedme(Isayalmost—Ikhedifference—forIhadfeltwhatitwastobeloved;but,likehim,Ihadnowputloveoutofthequestion,andthoughtonlyofduty).Itehmyinwarddimnessofvision,beforewhichcloudsyetrolled.Isincerely,deeply,ferventlyloodowhatwasright;andonlythat.“Showme,showmethepath!”IeedofHeaven.IwasexcitedmorethanIhadeverbeen;aherwhatfollowedwastheeffectofexcitementthereadershalljudge.
Allthehousewasstill;forIbelieveall,exceptSt.Johnandmyself,wereiredtorest.Theonedlewasdyingout:theroomwasfullofmoonlight.Myheartbeatfastandthick:Ihearditsthrob.Suddenlyitstoodstilltoaninexpressiblefeelingthatthrilleditthrough,andpassedatoomyheadaremities.Thefeelingwasnotlikearicshock,butitwasquiteassharp,asstrange,asstartling:itaysensesasiftheirutmostactivityhithertohadbeenbuttorpor,fromwhichtheywerenowsummonedandforcedtowake.Theyroseexpet:eyeandearwaitedwhilethefleshquiveredonmybones.
“Whathaveyouheard?Whatdoyousee?”askedSt.John.Isawnothing,butIheardavoiewherecry—
“Jane!Jane!Jane!”—nothingmore.
“OGod!whatisit?”Igasped.
Imighthavesaid,“Whereisit?”foritdidnotseemintheroom—norinthehouse—norinthegarden;itdidnoteoutoftheair—norfromuheearth—norfromoverhead.Ihadheardit—where,orwhence,foreverimpossibletoknow!Anditwasthevoiceofahumanbeing—aknown,loved,well-rememberedvoice—thatofEdwardFairfaxRochester;anditspokeinpainandwoe,wildly,eerily,urgently.
“Iaming!”Icried.“Waitforme!Oh,Iwille!”Iflewtothedoorandlookedintothepassage:itwasdark.Iranoutintothegarden:itwasvoid.
“Whereareyou?”Iexclaimed.
ThehillsbeyondMarshGleheanswerfaintlyback—“Whereareyou?”Ilistehewindsighedlowinthefirs:allwasmoorlandlonelinessandmidnighthush.
“Dowition!”Iented,asthatspectreroseupblackbytheblackyewatthegate.“Thisisnotthydeception,northywitchcraft:itistheworkofnature.Shewasroused,anddid—nomiracle—butherbest.”
IbrokefromSt.John,whohadfollowed,andwouldhavedetaiwasmytimetoassumeasdency.Mypowerswereinplayandinforce.Itoldhimtoforbearquestionorremark;Idesiredhimtoleaveme:Imustandwouldbealone.Heobeyedatonce.Wherethereiseoandwellenough,obedieneverfails.Imouomychamber;lockedmyselfin;fellonmyknees;andprayedinmyway—adifferentwaytoSt.John’s,buteffectiveinitsownfashion.IseemedtopeeverynearaMightySpirit;andmysoulrushedoutingratitudeatHisfeet.Irosefromthethanksgiving—tookaresolve—andlaydown,unscared,enlightened—eagerbutforthedaylight.松语文学www.16sy.coM免费小说阅读
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